I'm Coming Out!

Me, your wonderful host

I've written, deleted and rewritten this post several times, wondering what I should say and whether I wanted to say those two words "I'm gay". I decided that since I've recently came out to my family, by writing this for me I can be open in all parts of my life, it also explains somewhat my distraction of late. For others it may help to understand that journey you go through to open the closet door, at best it may help someone who hasn't come out take that step. So where to start on what is the most personal post I've written?

I recently came out to my family, I'm 28 which certainly would fall short of government targets if they should be some on "closest opening". Oddly though from my experience within the LGBT community it's not a late age. I've always thought that things would have been so much easier if thinking back to my youth every image, every message and every narrative wasn't that a relationship is between a man and a woman. If "gay" wasn't just a word people used to insult, yet weren't quite sure what it was all about and neither were you. Which is always what I think of when people speak of "gay indoctrination", they don't stop to consider the reverse of that. Yet it is never indoctrination to present different views, it's education. Which is never something that society should fear.

For me getting to this point was a slow realisation, steps forward, backward and burying my head in the sand for long periods. Largely because I started on the principle that I was straight. Yet when you don't feel like your friends about the cute guy, when you wonder why the orchestrator isn't playing or you feel self conscious about listening to KD Lang, these just reinforce the thoughts in your mind that something is different. The best way I can express that process you go through is, it's like different levels of consciousness. Akin to recalling a dream or your eyes adjusting to the dark. You see just small parts until you have enough information to see the bigger picture. Certainly being gay is something I feel I have accepted about myself, not chosen to be.

Coming out turned out to be such a tiny moment in my life, yet you enviably build it in your mind to be such a huge thing, because it is to you. So many of your thoughts are filled with trying to put an answer to all those questions and feelings you have, then you think about just how you bring up the subject of being gay, what you say, how you say it, anger that you have to say it. Then there's the thought that you know, that when you say it out loud, you won't be the same person to some people, you know you will spend your life having to come out, as the word partner can only get used so many times. All these things combine make it a mountain that you look upon and feel intimidated by.

Yet I've learnt a lot from my experience, I learnt just how alone you can feel being gay and from that just how important having a community and support is. When your family and friends usually aren't gay being apart of something bigger becomes a life line to you. I learnt that my family are completely wonderful and I shouldn't have doubted them. I learnt that my girlfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me. But most importantly I learnt what real happiness is. I learnt that when I stopped being caged by the truth.